Frequently asked questions

Fish or Chicken?

Q: My fiancee and I are trying to decide between fish or chicken for the wedding. What do you suggest?  -- Clark, 29, Los Angeles

Dear Clark,

 This is a tough question because it may possibly affect the rest or your life and the life of the "person" you are soon to marry. First, let's assume that most of your friends and family DO eat meat. Then chicken is the clear choice. But what if they DON"T eat meat? What if you have invited someone to this wedding that is GREATLY offended by chicken? Or worse yet, what if this whole "getting married" thing is just a bad idea? I think it may be.

Let's just face facts. Clark, if you can't figure out what food to serve at your wedding without asking me, an unmarried stand up comic, then this whole thing is just a bad idea. 

Haha! That was a test! Clark, you are a great sport! The choice is simple and the choice is both! Have a buffet with fish, chicken and some kind of bean dish for veggie friends! Your wedding will be great and will lead to three full years of happiness before the world ends.

Have a great wedding!

 

Love,

 

Susan

 

 

 

 

 

Cheating?

Q:  How can I tell if my girlfriend is cheating on me?  Also, how do I know if she can tell that I'm cheating on her?  -- Markus, 33, Brooklyn

Hi Markus,

 The best way to find out if someone is cheating on you or not is to ask them. If they say "no", they aren't cheating. But if they say "No...why? Why, would you ask that? Do you think I'm a slut or something? Why? Why? I love you! I fucking LOVE YOU!" and give you a hand job they ARE cheating on you.100%. Not only are they cheating but, the guy they are cheating with (Sam) is way, way better at fashion then you. Have you seen his collection of suits? He dresses so well. Is he rich or something?

 To address the second part of your question, she will know if you are cheating by listening to you in your sleep. Since we both know you tend to talk in your sleep (because I am the person you are cheating on her with) I would recommend NOT sleeping there anymore. Actually, why are you still with her anyway? I thought that you two broke up? Why would you be asking ME these questions? Are you trying to fuck with me even more then you already have?

 Markus, you are a real dump in a sack. Christa should break up with you and go out with Sam. Sam is a better choice for her. I can't believe I got involved in any of this mess. You and all your friends are horrible people and I want nothing, do you hear that NOTHING to do with you.

 

-Susan

P.S I'll be in NYC in May if you want to get a coffee or something

 

 

Love?

Q: 
Is true love real?  -- Mariesa, 22, Los Angeles

 Dear Mariesa,
  That is a big question and one that I think you need to ask yourself. But since you didn't ask yourself, and you asked me, I'll do my best.

  Firstly, what IS love? Is it an intense feeling of deep affection? Is it a band from the 60's with Arthur Lee and guitarist Bryan MacLean? Is it simply a formula for ending an affectionate letter? Is it a burning flame? Yes, love is all four things and at least one, the band, is, for sure, real. I know "Love" is real because I saw them play once. It wasn't very good, seeing a band 40 years after they've peaked rarely is though, so what did I expect? Enough about the band though, you want to know about the emotion, the notion, the most primal of devotion; true love. So I'll tell you! Yes, true love is real, and also no, it's fake.

 I have thought that I have been in love at least 4.2 times because my body feels so sparkly at times, especially when I have just met someone amazing or when I'm experiencing withdrawal from sleeping pills. I don't think that I'm alone to confuse love with sleeping pill withdrawal either. Both make you want to have sex a lot and both keep you up at night. But only one can kill and that is love. Love is the most dangerous thing out there. That is why so many people, all Mormons to name a few, stay so far away from it.  You shouldn't stay far away from it, though you should stay open to it. You should let yourself be confused and follow it up until the point that you feel something bigger than you, an unselfish feeling that is all encompassing and grand. Love is like that, you know, like when you eat a free waffle at a two star motel, the best feeling ever.

 If you have never felt love I feel bad for you. But some people never find love. Most of those people are totally stupid or ugly or something though, so I guess they always have TV.

Love,

Susan

Eyebrows

Q: I've never plucked my eyebrows before and all of my friends are making fun of me.  I'm afraid I won't know what I'm doing.  How do I know when to stop?  -- Name withheld by request

 Hi Stacy,

 You're friends sound like real bitches. I don't know what you look like but I'm sure your eyebrows are fine. If you really, really want to get some advice on eyebrow plucking you can go to your local library and find a girl's beauty guide from late 70's or go to a nail salon and ask them to wax them.

  I don't have crazy eyebrows but I do get them waxed. Sometimes, when people do my makeup for "Hollywood" type things they say "oh! your eyebrows are terrible" and they pluck them for me. What those fools don't know, is that I knew that I would get them plucked for free if I let them go crazy before starting the job (haha!). So there's that, you can work every now in then in low budget cable sketch comedy and indie movies and get your eyebrows done for free or you can hire a Russian woman to do it for you. I will warn you though, there IS danger is eyebrow waxing.

 Once, I was getting my eyebrows waxed in the back room of a beauty supply store when crazy people with guns came in and knocked everything off the shelves. The woman who was waxing my eyebrows locked the door and then said "Jesus Christ! This again?" Turns out it has something to do with the Russian Mafia or something, she didn't really explain, but didn't change me. Nobody was hurt, but even so I was very scared. I learned an important lesson that day and that is that a little bit of a unibrow is much sexier then being killed by the Russian Mafia.

 Also, don't wax your privates, it's lame and if your boyfriend tells you that you should you should dump him.

 

 

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