Cheating?

Q:  How can I tell if my girlfriend is cheating on me?  Also, how do I know if she can tell that I'm cheating on her?  -- Markus, 33, Brooklyn

Hi Markus,

 The best way to find out if someone is cheating on you or not is to ask them. If they say "no", they aren't cheating. But if they say "No...why? Why, would you ask that? Do you think I'm a slut or something? Why? Why? I love you! I fucking LOVE YOU!" and give you a hand job they ARE cheating on you.100%. Not only are they cheating but, the guy they are cheating with (Sam) is way, way better at fashion then you. Have you seen his collection of suits? He dresses so well. Is he rich or something?

 To address the second part of your question, she will know if you are cheating by listening to you in your sleep. Since we both know you tend to talk in your sleep (because I am the person you are cheating on her with) I would recommend NOT sleeping there anymore. Actually, why are you still with her anyway? I thought that you two broke up? Why would you be asking ME these questions? Are you trying to fuck with me even more then you already have?

 Markus, you are a real dump in a sack. Christa should break up with you and go out with Sam. Sam is a better choice for her. I can't believe I got involved in any of this mess. You and all your friends are horrible people and I want nothing, do you hear that NOTHING to do with you.

 

-Susan

P.S I'll be in NYC in May if you want to get a coffee or something