So, there is a lot of hype about this website where they take pictures of super cute kittens and say they look like Hitler.
It seems like everytime a good movie is made, Hollywood gives it ten or twenty years (or a year in the case of good foreign films) and remakes it. Sometimes it works out "okay", but never ever have I seen a remake be better than the original.
The other day, when I heard that Russell Brand would be taking on Dudley Moore's (Oscar nominated) role of Arthur for a sure to be terrible remake, my heart broke. Really Hollywood? Just because he is English, you think he can replace Dudley Moore? You think that kids today are too dumb to watch the original, that they have to be spoon fed old ideas in pretty new packages?
Well, maybe kids today are too dumb to like movies like the original Arthur, the 80's Nightmare on Elm Street or the 70's Omen. So what? They aren't getting any cooler or smarter by seeing shitty remakes of these movies. I've had the idea before that Hollywood should stop remaking good movies like "Oldboy" and start remaking shitty movies to get it right this time. Would I pay money to see what the Apatow camp does with "Revenge of the Nerds"? Hell no, but I would pay double price to see a Martin Scorsese version of "Showgirls".
I know it's of no use, I can complain and talk about how dumb movie remakes are all day and they will still keep pumping them out, why? Because Hollywood has no faith in original ideas and once something works they bash it into your head until it just doesn't work anymore (i.e Neve Campbell). So I figure, if you can't beat em', join em'. Here are my ideas for movie remakes and the stars that would recast the actors that once made the movies worth watching.
Because what was always missing from "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was slurred speech and a nip-slip or ten.
Betty White is hot right now, why not Angela Lansbury?
Richard Gere made it sexy, but Jackie Earl Haley can make it creepy.
This wouldn't be so much a remake as a "what if"? What if Sid didn't stab Nancy and O.D on herion and they both lived long and happy lives?
David Spade and Eugene Levy in "Midnight Cowboy". That was great movie, but I think most people agree that there just weren't enough yucks in the original.
The only thing that made that movie any good was Dolly Parton. Why not remake it and let her play most of the roles?
The poster doesn't explain that it would be a muppet of Ed Asner.
Heathers is one of my favorite movies and I love my cats Sasha and Dudley. I think most everyone would like to see them replace Christian Slater and Winona Ryder in the remake that strays pretty far from original. Instead of teen suicide it's now a dark comedy about jumping onto window frames and sleeping.
When I hear the tag-line;
"Being the adventures of a young man ... who couldn't resist pretty girls ... or a bit of the old ultra-violence ... went to jail, was re-conditioned ... and came out a different young man ... or was he ?"
I think Justin Bieber is the only star with the chops, and singing skills, to take on the role of Alex.
If there are two things America cares about it's celebs and the future. Why celebs? Because they are popular and we are not, we simultaneously love and hate anyone who is popular and we watch with our hearts a flutter under our jean jackets to see what they do next.
Why the future? Because most people in America were raised in some sort of cult-like faith that told us the end of the world was coming. Many in the US want the end-times to come because they won't have to worry about paying off those doctor bills when it does. Besides the end of the world, the future is just exciting because, well we don't know what will happen. Do The Secret all you want, tomorrow is still a mystery.
So clearly the most important thing is what the celebs are doing in the future. Well, I can sometimes see the future and I checked in on some of the hottest US Weekly page turners and this is what I saw;
Snooki:
Everyone loves Snooki from the hit MTV show "The Jersey Shore" because she is only good at getting drunk.
Snooki today:
Snooki in five years:
Madonna
Madonna has reinvented herself a total of 342 times, each time proving that mediocre shit really sells.
Madonna today:
If you thought she was done with the reinvention, boy oh boy were you ever wrong!
Madonna in 3 years:
Jwoww
Another "Jersey Shore" cast member.
Jwoww Now:
(with unknown skank)
Jwow in two years:
Dane Cook
Not since Robin Williams has a comic made so much profit off other peoples jokes. Dane Cook is known not only for his comedy, but for his lack there of.
Dane Cook today:
Dane Cook in 7 years:
After his last movie "The Milf and The Busboy" (co-starring Uma Thurman and Zach Braf) tanking at the box office, Dane moves to Northern Kentucky, starts drinking a lot and finds a second career in Karaoke Night DJing.
Monique
Comic and extremely talented actress Monique has given a real role model to overweight women and girls everywhere.
Monique today:
Monique in five years:
After the tragic plane crash that muted Tyra Banks Monique was offered to play Ms. Banks in a Bio-pic. So she sells out and loses the weight. Monique keeps her zany sense of humor about the weight loss and dubs herself "Les-nique".
Sarah Palin
After losing in beauty pageants, losing the race for Vice President and quitting as Governor, Sarah Palin went on to the place where losers are given not only a voice, but a powerful one, Fox News.
Sarah Palin today:
Sarah Palin in five years:
She had a very successful run at Fox and along with the LDS church helped pass the first "No gay kissing before 3PM" law in three states. But when she was found out for insider trading, baby selling and murder in 2015 she was sentenced to 3 life sentences.
Lindsay Lohan
I think this girl was an actress once.
Lindsay today:
Lindsay in two years:
I have no idea what happened to her face, but I think drugs and not wearing panties are to blame.
Vince Vaughn
America loves Vince Vaughn because he is just like that guy at the office that makes jokes about boobs and "fucking loves to BBQ".
Vince Vaughn today:
Vince Vaughn in 6 years:
After getting paid an amazing 67 million dollars to film the balls out comedy "Old Dudes Gett'n it UpUp" (co-staring Harvey Keitel and Ashley Simpson) Mr. Vaughn moved to Reno and became Rip Taylor.
Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson has had a long and successful career as an actor, director and drunk anti-semite. Through it all he still tried to hold onto the smidgen of sanity that he still had, buried deep inside of him.
Mel today:
Until the year 2017 when the Pope announced that "women could be priests".
Mel in 2017:
When that happened he freaked the fuck out and started his own religion in South America. He will be there, with his 32 wives, 300 children and 400 slaves until 2022 when he reads a kids review of "Mad Max" calling the film "more like Mad Weak" Mel then starts a fire a destroys his entire compound. Everyone escapes and Mel is put into a psychiatric hospital for the rest of his 142 year long life.
One of my favorite people is having a baby and this news has made her read up on the right way to raise a kid. Now, I've never had a baby, but I did have nice parents AND I do know that there are some asshole babies out there. I know, nobody wants to admit it, but some babies are just jerks. Case in point;
So here are some tips to keep your baby from becoming one of the many different types of assholes babies that are out there.
Goth Baby
1.) Babies are too young to understand that though bands like "Joy Division" and "Bauhaus" are pretty great, the fans are normally not. Keep babies away from any Gothic rock until they are least old enough to know how lame most post 80's goth rock is. (age 5)
2.) Never let your baby read Sylvia Plath
3.) Never let your baby visit a Denny's past 10PM (this goes mostly for those of you in small towns or burbs)
4.) Keep baby away dark makeup
Red Neck Baby
1.) Make sure that your baby knows at an early age that Fox news isn't "news" but a bunch of dicks and former beauty pageant trash earning money by preying on the lowest common denominator and using fear as a way to scare folks with head trauma. Most babies are able to understand this, as it is very blatant.
2.) No Larry The Cable Guy! No No No Jeff Dunham
3.) don't allow baby to eat "frito pie"
4.) Read to baby
Hipster Baby
Looks like you followed the rules on how to not have a red neck baby and it went to far the other way! Uh Oh! Don't worry just follow these steps;
1.) If your baby is asked to direct a "Vampire Weekend" video, say "No"! Sure, it sounds like a good thing for a baby to do, but by the time he/she is 16 months they will be flying to Paris to cover fashion week and have a coke problem.
2.) Don't let your baby own an iPhone
3.) Don't let your baby go to Williamsburg NY.
4.) Don't let your babies score a Spike Jonze film (see number 1)
Suicide Girl Baby
1.) Let your baby know that there is a big difference between "strength and power" and self exploitation.
2.) Again, don't let your baby read Sylvia Plath, also no Erica Jong
3.) Keep baby away from corsets, piercings and skull things.
4.) Love your baby and give if attention for the good things about it. This will surely keep them from ever going down this sad path.
Ed Hardy Baby
1.) Never let baby tan OR spray tan
2.) Don't let baby listen to house music
3.) Don't let baby anywhere near an Ed Hardy store (goes without saying)
4.) Don't let baby drink red bull and vodka
Polygamist Baby
Oh no! Your baby wants get with "the Principal" and go back to the ways of Joseph Smith on a polygamist compound! You better follow these steps;
1.) Move away from Utah
2.) Move away from Texas
3.) Stop being Mormon...I know you guys have nothing to do with it anymore, now that America doesn't see you as the number two threat behind the civil war and times have changed and blah, blah, blah. But really, your baby loves Brigham Young and wants to be just like him (or his wives) so get a new faith.
4.) Let baby have friends outside the family.
Born again Christian Baby
1.) Again explain that Fox News is only to watch for how funny it is.
2.) Explain that it is okay if your baby is gay and he doesn't need to hate himself
3.) Read some Joseph Campbell to baby
4.) Stop letting baby play with the home school baby next door.
Juggalo Baby
Wow, this is bad! If your baby is down with ICP I would 99% of the time blame you, however, some babies just suck on their own so lets try to get out of this predicament with these steps;
1.) No ICP or other Psychopathic Records music EVER, under any circumstances. In a case as serious as this I would say just let your baby be goth, it will still suck, but not as bad.
2.) stop shopping at Wal-Mart
3.) No Faygo soda ever
4.) If you, for some reason, are planning a trip to Las Vegas, whatever you do, stay away from "Circus Circus". Juggalos LOVE that horrible hotel for the clown channel and surplus of fat people. Vegas isn't good for babies anyway, but if you must go there, please don't go to Circus Circus.
Well, I hope this guide is helpful to parents. I know that my friend's baby won't be like any of these asshole babies because she and her partner are really cool. But I figure, it's a good guide and if I ever have kids myself I plan on following it.
xo!
A few months ago I posted a blog (I will make your tatto way cool) where I made a bunch of tattoos way cool. Due to popular demand (or well, the demand of my internet stalker and a couple of friends) I made a few more tattoos way cooler.
Oh how I hope you enjoy!
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The end!
Happy New Year! I hope that everyone reading this had a great 2009, though not so great that it can't be topped by an even better 2010.
Like a lot of people I like to know what month it is and use the help of a wall calender, usually one that I buy for about a dollar that features things that I like to look at like:
A pile of cats
Pagan rituals
or sports!
But this year I didn't find that oh so perfect calender at the store, so I decieded to make one myself. Here now is the best 2010 calender you are going to find:
Well I hope that this calender is of great use to you in 2010!
Love,
Susan
There are a million shitty bands in the world; "Nickelback", "Maroon Five", "Sublime" and "311" just to name a few but none of them compare with how shitty the "Insane Clown Posse" (ICP) is. ICP sounds like a cross between Hip Hop created by deaf, fat, white men and the music that diarrhea would produce if diarrhea somehow took on a human-like form and did a ton of meth.
But the horrible music that ICP makes is only the razored edge of the knife that stabs society and taints it with The Posse' terrible disease. What is worse than the music of ICP are the fans of ICP. Commonly called "Juggalos",("Juggalette" if female) they are often called "The worst people" but that is not true. Juggalos are not the worst people because they are not people at all. They seem to have a DNA structure similar but not identical to our human DNA.
There have been several scientific studies of Juggalos and the results are amazing. It seems that ICP has nothing to do with being a Juggalo, though the members of ICP are Juggalos, Juggalos would be Juggalos even if ICP didn't exist. Before ICP there were "people" who didn't respond to normal or "cool" stimulation. These "people" only wanted to hurt things, be fat, wear "wicked clown" face paint drink Faygo soda, snort meth or consume other household cleaning products ( they often do Robotussin or Lysol when in a jam) to get "mad high" and charge people one U.S dollar to perform sex acts on them. So, well at many ICP events you will see under aged Juggalettes exposing a breast and informing older, male, Juggalos "dollar for a titty" this would be happening somehow, somewhere (probably a basement) even if the ICP event was not occurring.
One Scientist, Doctor Andrew Walker, said this about the condition of Juggalo;
" Think of a person with alcoholism, many people believe that even without the substance of alcohol, they have a disease. For an alcoholic, alcohol is just a symptom. ICP is the same for Juggalos, a poison that they have a strong reaction to. Though, unlike an alcoholic, who can be a happy and productive member of society when the disease is treated, a Juggalo is gonna suck balls with or without ICP. This is because unlike an alcoholic, a Juggalo is just simply not human. They are subhuman.”
The good news in all of this is that only Juggalos are Juggalos. Since they aren't exactly people, the condition is genetic. You and I can never become Juggalos, even if we suffer a massive head injury and suddenly lose all of are abilities to listen to good music or experience the emotion of love. Juggalos are born and not made.
How did this mass mutation occur? Was it years of inbreeding, eating only nacho cheese from 7-11 ontop of twizlers and drinking Faygo? Was it reaction to some sort of chemical testing? The answer is no. Sadly, they have no idea what causes this heartbreaking condition and since Juggalos are too dumb to use birth control, it looks like there won't be an end to it anytime soon.
When I asked Dr. Walker if Juggalos were a new phenomena, perhaps because of environmental changes like global warming he had this to say;
“No, Juggalos have always been here. Like hate, greed, cancer and evil they seem to be a fact of life as ugly as it is.”
Year: AD 33, a Juggalo was like "woah, shit" at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ
Year: 1347, The first Juggalette to use the profit-making call "Dollar for a titty"
Year: 1430, An Aztec Juggalo sacrificing a non-Juggalo Aztec
Year: 1490, Christopher Columbus appears to have been a Juggalo (explains much of his treatment towards natives)
Year: 1865, This "Unknown Juggalo" fought in the Confederate army under General Sleazy Ray
Year: 1928 one of Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin's top advisers was a Juggalo.
Many historians have speculated that Stalin himself was a Juggalo, but this early photo of Stalin proves that he, himself was not.
Turns out Stalin was simply a New York trustfund kid that wanted to make films.
I hope everyone reading this learned a lot about Juggalos, and though we should fear them, we need to remeber that ICP serves a useful purpuse. As long as the Juggalos are distracted they by horrible music they will forget about doing other damage. 
My boyfriend has a tattoo on his arm of a dog, it's pretty cool, but as an artist I couldn't help but think it could be much, much cooler. So when he was asleep I turned his regular dog
into a Rude Dawg 
It turned out so well I thought, man I should do this for a living!
Look at these before and after tattoo photos!
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If you want me to fix a tattoo that you have and make it way cool send me a photo!
In the research that I have done on the founding fathers of the United States of America I have learned four things;
1.) That many of them were not into Jesus.
2.) That a shit ton of them look like owls (see blog "Owl Look'n mother fuckers for my previous findings.)
3.) That Jimmy Polk owned people as pets.
4.) Some of them do not look like owls, but look like other things.
Here now are the first 19 U.S Presidents and the people, animals or thingies they look the most like
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The mushroom that makes Mario bigger
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Jon Lovitz
= 
Isaac Mizrahi (for Target)
= 
Some motherfuckers just look like owls
= 
The baby John Malkovich and Glenn Close made in history
= 
Eagle
= 
Sad horse + 
Loser
= 
Bilbo Baggins
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A Sad Pup
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Bird
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Coy Ape
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Lady from Vera Drake
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Billy Elliot
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John Lithgow
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Doug Marsh + 
Bill Nye
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Drunk Daddy
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Baby with a beard
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God of the sea Poseidon
20 through 44 to come soon!
xoxo.
Susan
(Host of Studs, not from Alabama)
it's a skill that requires artistic ability and a easy access to shrooms
and I just wanted to go far, far away.
not Peaches 
(John Deer)
(friend of D. Letterman P. Shaffer)
(Maine Coon cats)
( I agree)
super relaxing 
(Meth)