Mamas don't let your babies be assholes

One of my favorite people is having a baby and this news has made her read up on the right way to raise a kid. Now, I've never had a baby, but I did have nice parents AND I do know that there are some asshole babies out there. I know, nobody wants to admit it, but some babies are just jerks. Case in point;

So here are some tips to keep your baby from becoming one of the many different types of assholes babies that are out there.


Goth Baby

1.) Babies are too young to understand that though bands like "Joy Division" and "Bauhaus" are pretty great, the fans are normally not. Keep babies away from any Gothic rock until they are least old enough to know how lame most post 80's goth rock is. (age 5)

2.) Never let your baby read Sylvia Plath

3.) Never let your baby visit a Denny's past 10PM (this goes mostly for those of you in small towns or burbs)

4.) Keep baby away dark makeup


Red Neck Baby

1.) Make sure that your baby knows at an early age that Fox news isn't "news" but a bunch of dicks and former beauty pageant trash earning money by preying on the lowest common denominator and using fear as a way to scare folks with head trauma. Most babies are able to understand this, as it is very blatant.

2.) No Larry The Cable Guy! No No No Jeff Dunham

3.) don't allow baby to eat "frito pie"

4.) Read to baby


Hipster Baby

Looks like you followed the rules on how to not have a red neck baby and it went to far the other way! Uh Oh! Don't worry just follow these steps;

1.) If your baby is asked to direct a "Vampire Weekend" video, say "No"! Sure, it sounds like a good thing for a baby to do, but by the time he/she is 16 months they will be flying to Paris to cover fashion week and have a coke problem.

2.) Don't let your baby own an iPhone

3.) Don't let your baby go to Williamsburg NY.

4.) Don't let your babies score a Spike Jonze film (see number 1)

Suicide Girl Baby

1.) Let your baby know that there is a big difference between "strength and power" and self exploitation.

2.) Again, don't let your baby read Sylvia Plath, also no Erica Jong

3.) Keep baby away from corsets, piercings and skull things.

4.) Love your baby and give if attention for the good things about it. This will surely keep them from ever going down this sad path.

Ed Hardy Baby

1.) Never let baby tan OR spray tan

2.) Don't let baby listen to house music

3.) Don't let baby anywhere near an Ed Hardy store (goes without saying)

4.) Don't let baby drink red bull and vodka

Polygamist Baby

Oh no! Your baby wants get with "the Principal" and go back to the ways of Joseph Smith on a polygamist compound! You better follow these steps;

1.) Move away from Utah

2.) Move away from Texas

3.) Stop being Mormon...I know you guys have nothing to do with it anymore, now that America doesn't see you as the number two threat behind the civil war and times have changed and blah, blah, blah. But really, your baby loves Brigham Young and wants to be just like him (or his wives) so get a new faith.

4.) Let baby have friends outside the family.

Born again Christian Baby


1.) Again explain that Fox News is only to watch for how funny it is.

2.) Explain that it is okay if your baby is gay and he doesn't need to hate himself

3.) Read some Joseph Campbell to baby

4.) Stop letting baby play with the home school baby next door.

Juggalo Baby

Wow, this is bad! If your baby is down with ICP I would 99% of the time blame you, however, some babies just suck on their own so lets try to get out of this predicament with these steps;

1.) No ICP or other Psychopathic Records music EVER, under any circumstances. In a case as serious as this I would say just let your baby be goth, it will still suck, but not as bad.

2.) stop shopping at Wal-Mart

3.) No Faygo soda ever

4.) If you, for some reason, are planning a trip to Las Vegas, whatever you do, stay away from "Circus Circus". Juggalos LOVE that horrible hotel for the clown channel and surplus of fat people. Vegas isn't good for babies anyway, but if you must go there, please don't go to Circus Circus.


Well, I hope this guide is helpful to parents. I know that my friend's baby won't be like any of these asshole babies because she and her partner are really cool. But I figure, it's a good guide and if I ever have kids myself I plan on following it.