Like hate, greed, cancer and evil, Juggalos seem to be a fact of life

There are a million shitty bands in the world; "Nickelback", "Maroon Five", "Sublime" and "311" just to name a few but none of them compare with how shitty the "Insane Clown Posse" (ICP) is. ICP sounds like a cross between Hip Hop created by deaf, fat, white men and the music that diarrhea would produce if diarrhea somehow took on a human-like form and did a ton of meth.

But the horrible music that ICP makes is only the razored edge of the knife that stabs society and taints it with The Posse' terrible disease. What is worse than the music of ICP are the fans of ICP. Commonly called "Juggalos",("Juggalette" if female) they are often called "The worst people" but that is not true. Juggalos are not the worst people because they are not people at all. They seem to have a DNA structure similar but not identical to our human DNA.

There have been several scientific studies of Juggalos and the results are amazing. It seems that ICP has nothing to do with being a Juggalo, though the members of ICP are Juggalos, Juggalos would be Juggalos even if ICP didn't exist. Before ICP there were "people" who didn't respond to normal or "cool" stimulation. These "people" only wanted to hurt things, be fat, wear "wicked clown" face paint drink Faygo soda, snort meth or consume other household cleaning products ( they often do Robotussin or Lysol when in a jam) to get "mad high" and charge people one U.S dollar to perform sex acts on them. So, well at many ICP events you will see under aged Juggalettes exposing a breast and informing older, male, Juggalos "dollar for a titty" this would be happening somehow, somewhere (probably a basement) even if the ICP event was not occurring.

One Scientist, Doctor Andrew Walker, said this about the condition of Juggalo;

" Think of a person with alcoholism, many people believe that even without the substance of alcohol, they have a disease. For an alcoholic, alcohol is just a symptom. ICP is the same for Juggalos, a poison that they have a strong reaction to. Though, unlike an alcoholic, who can be a happy and productive member of society when the disease is treated, a Juggalo is gonna suck balls with or without ICP. This is because unlike an alcoholic, a Juggalo is just simply not human. They are subhuman.”

The good news in all of this is that only Juggalos are Juggalos. Since they aren't exactly people, the condition is genetic. You and I can never become Juggalos, even if we suffer a massive head injury and suddenly lose all of are abilities to listen to good music or experience the emotion of love. Juggalos are born and not made.

How did this mass mutation occur? Was it years of inbreeding, eating only nacho cheese from 7-11 ontop of twizlers and drinking Faygo? Was it reaction to some sort of chemical testing? The answer is no. Sadly, they have no idea what causes this heartbreaking condition and since Juggalos are too dumb to use birth control, it looks like there won't be an end to it anytime soon.

When I asked Dr. Walker if Juggalos were a new phenomena, perhaps because of environmental changes like global warming he had this to say;

“No, Juggalos have always been here. Like hate, greed, cancer and evil they seem to be a fact of life as ugly as it is.”

Juggalos in history

 Year: AD 33, a Juggalo was like "woah, shit" at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ


Year: 1347, The first Juggalette to use the profit-making call "Dollar for a titty"

 Year: 1430, An Aztec Juggalo sacrificing a non-Juggalo Aztec

 Year: 1490, Christopher Columbus appears to have been a Juggalo (explains much of his treatment towards natives)

 Year: 1865, This "Unknown Juggalo" fought in the Confederate army under General Sleazy Ray

 Year: 1928 one of Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin's top advisers was a Juggalo.

Many historians have speculated that Stalin himself was a Juggalo, but this early photo of Stalin proves that he, himself was not.

 Turns out Stalin was simply a New York trustfund kid that wanted to make films.


I hope everyone reading this learned a lot about Juggalos, and though we should fear them, we need to remeber that ICP serves a useful purpuse. As long as the Juggalos are distracted they by horrible music they will forget about doing other damage.